Broken Promises

I haven't had much time to sit down and update this thing so here is a quick one before I race off to class.

I'm finding that I like being back in school. It feels a little hectic at the moment but as I settle in I think that it is going to be a great experience.

I miss all of you.

If you read this, even if I don't speak to you often, you must post a memory of me. It can be anything you want, it can be good or bad, just so long as it happened.

Then post this to your journal. See what people remember about you.

Things are getting better these days. I spend less time thinking about the ex and more time wondering why the hell I decided to get back in to school at my age.

Work has been going pretty well recently until I found out how tiny our raises are. I know I should count my lucky stars that I have a job but still...

This is my last weekend of freedom before I throw myself head first in to studentville and I am hoping to get out and about both nights. I have plans tonight but nothing tomorrow. Any suggestions?

- Describe me in one word... just one single word.
- Leave your word in a comment before looking at what words others have used.
- Then post this meme to your own journal, if you feel like it.

I'm not going to lie and say that this post was spontainious. This has been a long time coming. Nature vs nutrure is something that weighs heavily on my mind, but for different reasons that many people have for discussing it. Such as, is the serial killers lust for blood because he was born without a conscience, or because his mother did not hug him? Or the ever famous is a gay born a gay or does the things that his parents expose him to make him gay.

This comes in light of a rather vicious fight with a boy. Now as promised to said boy I will not reveal the complete nature of the argument. I will give you the words I heard and the thoughts and feelings that they provoked.

"You weren't enough" was the overtone of the argument. This goes back nearly a decade and yes Bil, you were correct in your comment of the last post I made about this boy, It was not worth it. See I did as I always do and I filled myserlf with hope that it would be different this time, but people do not change. Their spots remain the same. Unfortunately, he will remain dear to my heart as he always has, but now he is bathed in a new light that will not let me forget. I am thankful for that.

Back to the nature vs nurture comment, and theme of this rant. Some people grow up being told that they are the center of their parents world. I did not hear this grownig up. I always felt that I was more a burden than a joy. Not even straight A's through grade school gained the acceptance and love that I thought they would. At the slightest issue in my youth I was told repeatedly how worthless I was. ( As a disclaimer I am inclined to say that I do nto post this for pitty, I post this to give you a look in to the truth of me). My fathers favorite pet name for me was the little bitch. It is possible that I am only remembering the bad parts of my childhood but cest la vie. So compound that with every breakup, some because of me, the others I still feel were my fault. I was not enough. If you flash back a few years to a time when I was happy in a new relationship that I held much hope in. ( This, again is not the only thing that contributed to the way I feel, just another example). I did not have a care in the world. I was not cautious as I should have been. I gave it all up and taught him to trust in women again, now he has another in his arms.

This last attempt at happieness was a complete folly on my part. He did not tell the whole trugh of what had happened in the last 6 years of his life and I did not question because I trusted him. He was thinking of another, again in a string of men (and women) I was not enough.

So my nature (and close friends) tell me that I am an amazing person. I have a lot of love to give for the right person, and I am very loyal, until you cross me. I like to think that I am pretty, and I believe that my photos also show that. There is also a radiance I have, that has not been captured by a camera. My passion is great and I throw myself in to things with all my heart.

Nurture tells me that I am not enough. Events long past surface when people start to speak of the ways that I can not make them happy. It is like a bad dream as faces flash inside my eyes of the many men that have spoken nearly to the letter the same words. Faces blend together and they become one voice, one face. Many of them beg my friendship as a consolation prize, it is a request that I have granted to few.

I am told by many that the man who completes me is out there. The one that will be there, due to nurture pulling ahead I do not believe them. Another in a string of worthless words that will haunt me as they walk away. Many of them have left me to find their true happiness. I can not begrudge them this but their words echo in my head all the same.

In conclusion, nature vs nurture in my life are waging a war, and unfortunately, nurture is winning.

I'm finally taking a vacation to Seattle for a weekend. Any suggestions on what i can do while I'm there?

Nextel was sucking balls as far as text messages go so I have a new phone.

Drop me a comment with your email address if you want the new number.

I've been thinking about how to start this album review for days. The word amazing doesn't seem to cover it. Breathtaking also fell short so if that is any indication, you know what I mean. Occasionally I find an album that doesn't leave my cd player for days, usually these instances are few and far between. Blessing of the Curse has been happily nestled in the cd player in my car for four days now. From the soulful sounds of Ocean Breathe to the upbeat Mind your Manners this band has hit the nail on the head. Lead singer James Woods generally describes the bands sound as rock, although this album proves that there is something more there. Piano and acoustic guitar help to bring the lyrics to life, the tunes are so catchy that you will have a hard time getting them out of your head. This five song EP is a great teaser for the sound of this all around talented group of musicians. Currently you can pick up a copy of Blessing of the Curse at any one of the shows that they will be playing in the near future. For those of you that are outside Salt Lake keep an eye on www.supersofar.com, the album will be available there shortly.

Wiseguys Comedy Club in West Valley is hosting the DVD filming of Marcus The Man of 1000 Voices. Doors open at 7 with a show start time of 8-ish. Come on out it's going to be a great time. After the show we are heading out to South Shore for a little karoke.

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

This is what I brought you
This you can keep
This is what I brought you

May forget me

I promise to depart
Just promise one thing

Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep

This is what I brought you
This
you can keep
This is what I brought you
May forget me

I promise
you my heart
Just promise to sing
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep


Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep
This is what I thought
I
thought you need me
This is what I thought
So think me nieve

I
promise you a heart
You promise to keep
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep



EDIT: The graywhale in taylorsville is having a midnight release for the new AFI album Decemberunderground starting at 11pm on 06/05/2006

I wanted to say thanks to everyone that came out last night to make Sable's 30th Birthday party a memorable one.

It means the world to both of us!

We will be roasting him between bands at the show.

So come on out and make fun of our favorite gay straight man.

Are you inadvertently sending the wrong message? Think about what you really want and the best means to go about it. You can't spend your life pussyfooting around other people's potentially hurt feelings.

Anyone that wishes to speak, even if it's a one liner please get in contact with me.

Thank you.

"Song To Say Goodbye"

You are one of God's mistakes,
You crying, tragic waste of skin,
I'm well aware of how it aches ,
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face ,
Though I don't like you anymore,
You lying, trying waste of space..

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those ,
Blessed with lucky sevens ,
And the voice that made me cry .
My Oh My.

You were mother nature's son ,
Someone to whom I could relate ,
Your needle and your damage done,
Remains a sorted twist of fate.
Now I'm trying to wake you up ,
To pull you from the liquid sky ,
Coz if I don't we'll both end up ,
With just your song to say goodbye.
My Oh My.

A song to say goodbye,
A song to say goodbye ,
A song to say...

Before our innocence was lost,
You were always one of those,
Blessed with lucky sevens,
And the voice that made me cry.

It's a song to say goodbye.

We're done

For those of you that asked for them. ( Click here )

It's one year from the day that I took my break from the real world and lived in a fantasy for the better part of last year. In that time I saw things that I thought I never would and experienced feelings I thought were dead. I saw London from the top of the London Eye, I saw the changing of the guard, I saw Camden market in all it's glory and I am glad for all of these experiences. People go their whole lives without ever leaving the town that they were born in. I got to experience how life is from another point of view and I will always cherish that, but it is time to put away the memories of the pain and longing.

In the last week someone that has become very close to my heart has taught me that I have my whole life ahead of me. I don't think that I have words for how special that is to me.